Verbal Vasectomy

A New Procedure!!!

FUN and JUICY things!  We all hear them!  And, when we see others, it’s next to IMPOSSIBLE not to shoot our verbal wad.  Seed needs to be spread.  Nature can’t keep from humping and we can’t stop from whispering.  The overwhelming urge to share is natural!  But bearing the whiny, screaming, demanding, helpless drama baby fallout can be COSTLY and not worth the effort. 

Choosing where to spread your seed carefully takes TOO LONG and is often UNPREDICTABLE.  Even wrapped in the rubbery protection of a best friend, there is still a 2% chance of conceiving a drama baby.  Ugh! 

Want to avoid all the HASSLE, but don’t know how?

Introducing: VERBAL VASECTOMY.  Cut it off at the source!!  Verbal Vasectomy is GUARANTEED to help your mouth shoot off blanks! 

“I never dreamed my mouth could feel this barren!  It’s like a desert in there!  Thanks, Verbal Vasectomy!”—Perez Hilton

 

“Ladies, we are busy!  Am I right??  As a jewelry designer, host of my own talk show, and best-selling author, I didn’t think I had time to stop gossiping.  But, with Verbal Vasectomy’s online support group, Fellowship of the Fallow, I was able to get the help I needed 24 hours a day!  Now, when people ask me “How you dooouuuuhn?” I can actually tell them how I’M doing and keep it at that!”—Wendy Williams

Unlike trusting a friend, Verbal Vasectomy goes straight to the ROOT of the problem.  It STOPS the process BEFORE it even starts.  Its penetrating powers will help you curb the urge to spread your seed in one easy step!

            Step One: Don’t share nonpersonal privileged information. 

Wow!  Is it really that easy?

YES—Verbal Vasectomy keeps all information about others NEUTRAL and SAFE.

Does it really work?

 

YES—MANY people with friends use it already!

Would my religious organization approve?

YES—ABSTINENCE is an essential part of most religious organizations!

Can I use it at work?

YES—home, school, office, church, birthdays, bar mitzvahs…Verbal Vasectomy can be used in ANY situation!!

“I’ve been using it for years!”—Condoleezza Rice

ORDER NOW!!!  ORDER in the next 5 MINUTES and Verbal Vasectomy won’t tell anyone you ordered a self-help kit from an infomercial!  We’ll keep it to ourselves!  That’s the quick-acting power of Verbal Vasectomy!!

Verbal Vasectomy: Chatter Chastity for Life!!!

During the whole month of October, my friend makes a pot of soup and plays scary movies at her house every Sunday night.

She has bad knees and they’ve particularly been hurting her lately. This is how my exit scene played out when I was leaving her scary Sunday soiree:

Her: Thank you for coming. I’m sorry; I should get up to say goodbye to you.

Me: No, no, no! I should be the one to get up for you! (I realize an incidental emphasis on the word ‘up’ and an ill-timed finger point have horribly misconstrued my intent)

(Pause. Yep. That just happened. Everybody laughed!)

Me (pulling a George Costanza): Alright! That’s it for me! Goodnight, everybody!

(backing toward the staircase)

Love you all!!!

(shouting back down the staircase)

….to varying degrees.

My mother prints out at least 50 recipes per week.  She’s always trying new things.  This Sunday it was Indian food.  My dad came home famished from a long day at church.  He immediately started looking through the assortment of empty serving pots and pans scattered all across the stove and countertop. 

“Dinner isn’t quite ready yet," Mother informed him.  "I’m just waiting for the naan to finish.”*

He is completely lost.  “Naan?” he asks, having no idea what it means.

“Naanexistent,” I reply. 

“Oh!  Nonexistent dinner!” he laughs.  “Is that what we’re having tonight?”

“Yep,” I reply.  “And it’s ready!  So, dig in!”


*Naan [nahn]: a leavened, often tear-shaped flatbread of India, baked in a tandoor.

 

I woke up early enough this morning to catch the last ten minutes of an I Love Lucy rerun.  It was the episode where Lucy loses her wedding ring.  She thinks it must have happened while Ricky was masoning a new barbeque out back.  That night, she and Ethel sneak out of bed and take the barbeque apart brick by brick.  The ring is not there.  They’re forced to stay up the rest of the night, putting the barbeque back together.  Despite their all-nighter effort, the sloppily leaning structure Ricky finds in the morning immediately gives them away.

 

All I could think was, “Man!  It’s a good thing they slept in those separate beds!  Ricky surely would have felt her sneaking out in the middle of the night or noticed she wasn’t there otherwise.  Separate beds come in handy when you’ve got early morn shenanigans to pull!  Separate bed SCORE!”

Not long ago I wrote an editorial expressing concern at the growth of victimhood in this country. 

 

As I listen to the ongoing political rants back and forth--what about this candidate makes them like him more; what personal reasons make them not want the other candidate--I wonder... 

 

Do you think the current political turmoil in this country stems from an ideology of "What can this guy do for me?", i.e., people are voting for what behooves them the most personally rather than what would benefit the country the most?

 

When I see interviews on television it certainly seems so: she's voting because she wants her son home from the service, he's voting because he wants the employment he had two years ago back, college students want the guy who will give them a free education, one girl on YouTube is voting because "Mitt Romney is hot."  All reasons very personally based.

 

Are we all too busy being victims/selfish to notice or care about the bigger picture?  Or is that how voting should be?  Should we vote via what means the most to us personally and then let the bigger picture be shaped and focused based on a common majority?

 

Thoughts?  Opinions? 

Having a birthday this close to Halloween, my mother has been inundated with Halloween gifts her whole life.  Being a homemaker in a place where domesticity is apparent, she has also been inundated with crafty gifts her whole life. 

They usually come in three varieties: dishes (platters, serving trays, bowls), quotes (words of inspiration on wall hangings ranging in size from a Post-It Note to a yard stick), and scented (lotions, candles, potpourri).

 

Invariably, some of these items find their way to our doorstep every year.  Invariably, Mom will bestow the giver with happy hugs and acclamations of thanks.  Invariably, these gifts will never be seen again (unless she needs a gift for someone else—teehee).

 

My mother prides herself on her style.  She can be quite particular about what ends up in her house (pity for the girl my brother is dating).  One of her favorite things in the world is to buy tickets to The Home Show, drive all over the valley looking at other people’s houses, and then come home and tell me how she disliked them all.

 

As we were driving home from the traditional birthday dinner, I leaned in to my sister and told her Mom received a darling Halloween candy dish from one of our dear neighbors earlier.  “And I bet she’d let you have it,” I said with a wink in my tone.

 

“Hey, Mom!  I hear your neighbor brought something over for you today.”  She baited.

 

“YES!!  It’s a CUUUTE little candy dish.”  Mom paused.  “Do you need a candy dish at your place?”

 

My sister and I laughed.

 

One gift kept the holiday theme, but broke the Halloween mold (a thought that has no doubt crossed the mind of my ceramic-laden, gift-opening mother before): an illustrated book titled “The Christmas Train.” 

 

My mom collects Christmas stories.  She always appreciates the thought, but this gift—not just the thought—was sincerely appreciated.  A quick idea about appreciation lead me to ask a question that was not appreciated.

 

“Do you think this book would find its way to nearly as many coffee tables if it was called ‘The Christmas Strain’ and involved a tuberculosis outbreak or bout of cholera brought in through contaminated Christmas oranges?”

 

“No,” my dad played along.  “That would be when Santa bent over to hoist his giant sack and forgot to lift with his knees.”

 

“Or when Santa is locked in the bathroom from eating too many cookies and not enough fiber,” my brother added. 

 

“No,” I corrected.  “Santa is not in the bathroom, it’s Comet.  Comet accidentally swallows Rudolph’s nose and the elves pan his droppings until the shiny knob is found just in time to save Christmas!”

The Christmas Strain…  She ought to throw US out and KEEP the candy dish.   

 

 

I’m currently in a production of “Oliver!”.  The other night, the theatre had a big thank you party.  When we came in to do the show the next night, all the leftover cake was sitting on the counter for our consumption.   Speaking of consumption, if cake was alcohol…every one of those orphan boys would have been punch-drunk!

 

Those boys can EAT!  Unapologetically!  I thought a cast full of starving college students had impressive eating prowess, but a cast full of tween boys may be even more voracious.

 

At one point, I saw a boy departing from the scene with a plate full of nothing but frosting.

 

Two minutes before the curtain rises, the boy playing Oliver walks in.  He’s in full waifish costume.  His short little legs mean he’s barely as tall as the counter.  Yet, he hears the call for places and he is spurred on.  He manages to stretch far enough to grab three handfuls of cake with his bare hands and shove them in his mouth.

 

So.  When those boys are out there singing about their lack of “Food, Glorious Food,” don’t you believe them.  And when they slurp down the gruel enthusiastically enough to make you think they haven’t eaten in days, don’t feel sorry for them.  And—for Heaven’s sake—when Oliver meekly asks, “Please, sir.  I want some more,” don’t you give him another morsel!

There is a reason those little con artists were cast.  Pick a pocket...hah...more like pick at your heartstrings.

 

 

Wooly Bully

Bully Calls News Anchor Fat, News Anchor Destroys Him On Live TV

Last week I watched this video spread like wildfire.  Every national news program covered the story.  After reading all the positive exclamations from friends and the intriguing title, I was excited to watch this news anchor, Jennifer Livingston, ‘destroy’ this bully.  However, I found I had several exclamations of my own creeping through my head, yet not along the same lines as the ones I was reading.

 

I am surprised by this video.  I do not see bullying in the email she received.  There was no name calling.  There was no implication of threat or harm.  There was only a man calmly and (what he thought was) considerately expressing concern.  Concern based on facts and statistics no less.

 

Contrarily, I am more put off by her response.  I find the fact that she used her position in the media to publicly paste a label on someone else and publicize a personal email sent in confidence in order to make an example out of him far more “bullying” than the original inciting email.  I’ll tell you why this jumps out at me as more problematic than the man’s inane email.

 

If there is one thing I’ve learned about society it’s that everything shifts in correlations.  We are all intertwined.  Therefore, one aspect cannot change without triggering another change elsewhere.  A decrease in finances/economics accompanies an increase in crime rate.  A sexual revolution increases sexual freedom which also increases birth rates and sexually transmitted diseases.  Etc.  There is always an ebb and flow.

 

In this case, I am noticing that as the promotion for anti-bullying gains ground, a propensity for claimed victimhood is also gaining ground, i.e., people are quicker to proclaim themselves as victims because they now have an anti-bullying campaign to back them up.  This is of great concern to me because victimhood can potentially be more hazardous than bullying.  Bullying comes from the outside, victimhood comes from within.  One is escapable, the other is not.

 

Sometimes, the truth hurts.  That doesn’t necessarily make it bullying.  Medically speaking, her body size is in an unhealthy range.  She admits this herself.  Even if the pounds are largely the result of a thyroid condition, this still statistically puts her at a higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, and a multitude of other health problems.  The man was not unjustified in his “dangerous habit” and “healthy lifestyle” statements.

 

I absolutely understand the pain she must have felt reading his email.  I absolutely feel she’s entitled to be hurt and angered by it.  However, I also feel she was too quick to don the victim cape at the behest of her husband and coworkers.  Pointing the finger and burning him at the media stake may not have been the most appropriate choice.

 

Mrs. Livingston has subsequently said that she spoke out because even one time is too many for someone to say you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

“I think we all have that one guy or one girl who tries to make you feel less than you are; who tries to put you in a box and slap a label on it and tell you you’re not worthy.  And, it’s not about him for me.  It’s about all the people like that in society that are using the internet, that are using Twitter, that are using Facebook to try and bring people down and make them feel bad about themselves.”

 

What about an anchor using her local news channel to put a man in a box, slap the label of bully on it, and tell him he should be ashamed and feel bad about himself?

 

Let me make it clear that in NO WAY am I in favor or support of bullying.  There are so many wonderful and true things Jennifer has said that I hope people do take to heart.  However, in my opinion, his email did not reach the bullying threshold.  In fact, I believe his email ALSO stems from victimhood.

 

His words may have been hurtful, but I would synopsize the intent behind his email as “Losing my loved ones or seeing them suffer frightens me and causes me pain.  I know that medically and statistically being overweight is unhealthy.  I am worried if my loved ones see a happy, professional, successful overweight person like you they will choose a path I believe to be a poor, detrimental, painful choice.”

 

I’m reading between the lines, but I imagine this is a man who has experienced or had someone close to him experience obesity complications.  His email originates from seeing himself as a victim who desperately wishes to avoid being further victimized.  Does that make it okay for him to project his victimized fears onto someone else?  Absolutely not.  Does it make it okay for him to authoritatively advise someone else—particularly a person he doesn’t know—how to live her life?  Absolutely not.  But, does it make him a bully?  In this case, no.

 

The man should never have sent the email in the first place.  If he is concerned about the community’s young people then he should work on his own to educate them about healthy lifestyles, i.e., do something productive and not complacently take it out on a news anchor who—regardless of size—provides the community with an example of a polished, educated, professional woman.

 

Likewise, although it’s brought fame, recognition, and vast amounts of emotional and (no doubt some financial) support, the news anchor’s on-air reciprocation was probably not the most correct choice.

 

The words of her response are strong and filled with support for viewers.  She admonishes awareness, education, and good examples.  This, I agree with.  However, she also speaks about behavior being learned and I fear the nonverbal and more strident lesson she teaches is false victimization.

 

Victimhood is dangerously problematic because it is usually accompanied by displacing blame and a feeling of helplessness.  A victim is complacent in their circumstance, and complacency is stagnant and nonproductive.

 

It’s just my opinion, but I think a more appropriately empowering approach would have been to demonstrate the effect of his words and then discuss how to overcome the pain and use the experience to grow and strengthen.

 

The country won’t remember her words.  Words fade.  They become paraphrased and jumbled.  What they will remember is the situation; they will remember this woman taking a stand.  After seeing the way the country has rallied behind her, I’m worried the lesson we’re walking away with is to label someone a bully anytime our feelings get hurt.  While I don’t support bullying, I also don’t support witch hunts.

 

Words, labels, actions…they can all carry significant consequences—positive or negative.  The paramountcy of using them accurately and well-placed is not something to be taken lightly (yes, I used that catchphrase because of the topical context).