Did you know when Adele sings "Never mind, I'll find someone like you" there is never any harmony? It's true. In today's hit modern music it is nonpareil for a song to be barren of harmonizing backup. But, perhaps Adele is on to something. Perhaps Adele doesn't need backup. She doesn't need harmony. She needs the note; the one note; her note. Perhaps this is a one-person song. A self-song. Someone like YOU.
When I mull over what I'm looking for in a spouse, basically it comes down to one thing: I want someone like me. How conceited does that sound?! I know, I know... But, at least I didn't say someone like my mother! (How ungrateful does THAT sound?!)
Here's the deal... It's not about love. I love several people with whom I could never have a successful relationship. It's about what I seek in a partner. Partnership is collaboration. It means both people bring something to the relationship. I don't expect to be given anything more than I'm willing to offer. But, I do expect to be matched.
Growing up I was taught a successful marriage is any marriage that incorporates shared values and goals. Basically, any two people who share the same goals and values can wed and build a successful marriage despite whether a romantic relationship exists or not.
Sociologically speaking, this is probably accurate: build a successful marriage--yes; but, a happy successful marriage--meh...take your chances. Personal revelations have lead me not to discount or take for granted the powers of temperament and bond. Opposites poles may attract, but like molecules bond.*
It's not that certain differences can't apply. I certainly don't want a clone. We don't need to see eye-to-eye on everything. I've dated people whose favorite color is different than mine, who like different music than me, have different political and religious views than me. But...remember that old saying it takes one to know one? I feel like I...me...who I am...what I can offer...my essence won't be fully appreciated and/or loved sufficiently unless it's by someone with similar aesthetic.
Neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.**
Swine rhymes with wine. Here's a story about wine! (transition A+)
I used to work as a server in a restaurant. Two married couples who shared a connoisseurship for wine would meet at the restaurant to share their yearly finds. They had nine bottles of wine between the two of them! Obviously more than enough to share! So, they did.
They offered me a glass of at least five of the nine wines, often accompanied with gregarious marketing. "You NEED to come take a sip of this wine. This wine is guaranteed to change your life!!" "This one is perfectly sweet and light and fresh...one swallow and you will never let another plum wine sit before you again!!" "Here. Just take this glass in the back with you...when you get a break, you can try it. But, beware! It may take you several minutes to recuperate. It is THAT GOOD."
I let them continue to think I was refusing their wine because I was on the clock. They were so generous to offer it to me. Their gusto was palpable and their zeal was winsome. But, the truth is, I don't drink wine.
I have no doubt on the trained tongue the wine was everything they claimed. But, to me, it was repellent. It held no allure. As they described and advertised the wines, I often didn't know what they were talking about. Nor did I care. Never having purchased or tasted wine before made me completely unqualified to appreciate their connoisseurship.
There I was, the apathetic swine, nonchalantly trampling the pearls they cast before me. Fortunately, I was just their server for a couple of hours and not someone to be saddled with the next 50 years. Marriage, like any other project, is a project to be completed successfully, and thus requires a synergized crew.
If you were putting together an opera, who would you assemble? Singers, composers, a director... Different facets, but all with an eye and appreciation for opera. Likewise, it takes more than just players to make a football game. Referees, coaches, (debatably) even cheerleaders. When building a house, would you hire a construction crew or a biker gang?
Comrades on a construction site are not likely to feel safe if half their crew is replaced by nail-gun wielding cheerleaders. Nor would a coloratura soprano fair well in the Monday-night lineups. And, a football referee would probably blow the whistle on singing through a 3 hour opera.
In order for these projects to succeed they require people with a common passion, ability, or expertise.
So, what kind of project am I? Unfortunately, my friends, I am the worst kind of project: an enigma. What does that even mean?? I don't even know what an enigma is!! Precisely. No one does.
Were I an opera, I would need an enthusiast. Were I a football game, I'd need a fan. Were I a construction site, I'd need an expert. But, some things are indescribable. For some things there are no words.
I certainly have a rare if not unique way of viewing and handling the world. This commonality is what I need to find in someone else. Not necessarily someone with the same view, but someone with the same je na sais quoi.*** Someone who at least appreciates and loves my view. Someone who is inspired by the way I think and speak and inspires my thinking and speaking. Someone with the same synergy. Someone with whom I can be as comfortable as I am with myself. Someone like me.
I tried to put all this on my profile, but for some reason eHarmony told me the "What I'm Looking For" section had exceeded the allotted number of characters.****
Footnotes
*This sounds like something that could be usurped as a catchphrase for the Gay Marriage Movement. I assure you, I did not intend it that way.
**This is a perfect example of what I'm talking about in this article. Most people probably think I'm quoting the bible. Only someone with my same aesthetic will know I'm actually making an analogy between myself and the lead character from the classic MGM musical, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
***This is another perfect example. Who uses words like that?!? Only someone like me. #idiosyncracticsentences #enigma
****I don't really have an eHarmony profile. I probably should.
Epilogue
Oprah once made the comment there are no Christmas decorations with black angels and immediately her mailbox was filled with photos, cards, and black angel craft projects. If I were a celebrity, I'm sure I would receive thousands of letters detailing examples of working marriages despite the participants being polar opposites.
I know there are examples out there. However, I would also argue these couples are probably more similar in the areas that count than they outwardly seem.
What counts and what does not differs from couple to couple. Partners in crime versus sweethearts, for instance. We also don't often wear what counts on our sleeve. Rather than dissecting the ways a couple is different, note the ways in which they are the same. My hypothesis is the similar areas will be nearer the heart and hold more weight than the differences. Personas and attitudes are not the same as goals and values.
