Why I Think the Fight for Gay Marriage Is Ridiculous

Recently, I've accumulated many articles on relationships as part of a project I'm working on.  I've been reading articles on all types of relationships, but one I came across the other day made me think.  It was titled 10 Reasons Gays Guys are Losing the Ability to Fall in Love.  That sounded horrible!  What could be worse than losing the ability to fall in love?  A ghastly epidemic.  My interest was piqued. 

Truthfully, I only made it through the first reason before my mind took off in its own direction.  The first reason the article listed was "We Get Too Comfortable Too Quickly."  

The article says that by week two of the relationship, the couple is already treating each other like an old married couple rather than letting the passion sizzle.  Essentially, giving me the image of a passion silo where your ability to have a long-term relationship is dependent on how well you ration it out.
  

This made me question.  Is this true?  Love is exciting and wonderful, particularly in the beginning.  Is it wrong to follow your heart when it's feeling that way?  Can peaking too soon burn up all the fuel in your love fire?  Would taking it slower be likely to extend the life of the relationship, or is getting comfortable a quick way of determining whether substance is there or not?

Perhaps it's because I originate from a "when you know, you know--why wait?" culture that--more often than not--has proved that to be true.  But, I don't believe in holding back in a relationship.  I believe in honest, open communication and behavior.  If that means I think about you all the time, I'm going to let you know.  If I enjoy spending time with you, I'm going to try and spend as much time with you as possible.  And, why not?  We are trying to see if we want to spend the rest of our lives together, after all.  

Of course we all know the butterflies will fade.  But, if it's a good partnership, the core structure upholding longevity will still remain.  If a relationship goes from hot and fiery, to old married couple, to over and done in three weeks...then it's not because the couple blew their emotional load the first week.  It's because one (or both) of the partners doesn't have the structure to uphold it.

*Caution: this post is going to contain large generalizations.  I want to acknowledge I'm fully aware there are beautiful, wonderful examples out there and exceptions readily available.  Also, I am only basing this on what I have witnessed.  I have no empirical data to back up my hypotheses.    

In my personal observations (which are multiplied ten fold when taking into account all the stories and examples others have shared with me), the gay population is largely mercurial.  Always on to something new; something shiny; the next best thing.  This is why the gay population (though statistically very small) is such a massive contributor and driving force in pop culture.  Unfortunately, though, relationships are not fickle exempt.

*Note: I am also specifically speaking of gay male culture and not the entire LGBT community.  For whatever reason, these generalizations don't seem to apply as much in the lesbian culture.

I would guess this propensity for the next best thing arises from living on the surface.  People live on the surface when they can't fathom their own emotions.  Living on the surface means living among distractions.  It's a way of self-medicating.  Rather than dealing and learning to live with emotions that seem overwhelming, people shove the emotions in a closet and shut the door before the emotions can fall out again.  To keep their mind off the bowing, burgeoning, mushrooming closet, they go out on the town.  This provides plenty of distractions.  Ooo!  Alcohol.  Ooo!  New clothes.  Ooo!  Pop star's new album is dropping.  Ooo!  Reality television.  Etc.

We are mammals.  We all surface for air from time to time.  There is nothing wrong with visiting; it's quite delightful there.  But, it's also no way to live.  It's a constant, treading, exhausting struggle to stay on the surface.  Whereas, peace and tranquility often abound below.  People who live on the surface often don't realize they're doing it.  And, for good reason.  They're caught in a catch-22 that doesn't allow them such clarity.

People who live life on the surface are the most emotional of all.  That is why they turn to the self-defense mechanism in the first place: it's too much to handle.  They need to find a way to avoid being swallowed by emotions that feel so forceful, so drowning, they would not be able to survive them.

However, since the purpose of living on the surface is to avoid dealing with emotions, their interpretation, then, is that living on the surface means living a life carefree.  One without worries and woes.  Therefore, they can't possibly be living life on the surface because they are experiencing cares, worries, and woes all the time.  What they're not realizing is that cares, worries, and woes they frequently experience are the very cattle prod that keeps them swimming on the surface. 

A wave will come along.  Something new; unexpected.  Not only does it take them by surprise and give them something new to deal with, the force of the wave also pushes them under the surface for a moment.  This briefly puts them closer to all the issues they've tried to bury in the deep, dark waters.  Suddenly, the person is reminded of all the monumental feelings they've been avoiding.  All the old stuff PLUS a brand new wave on top of it!  Once again, it seems too much.  So, they let the wave pass and quickly return themselves to the surface to catch the sun again.

Experiencing emotion is not the same as dealing with, or learning to live with emotion.  

Surface dwellers can be found everywhere.  But, they seem to run more rampant in certain populations more than others.  One of the largest being homosexual men.  Why is this? 

Part of the reason is simply that homosexual men innately seem to be more sensitive and emotional.  This is evident at a very young age.  Mothers of gay sons will often attest their son was more sensitive and affectionate than her other children.  However, this biological predisposition is not done any social favors either.  

Imagine feeling different from everyone around you as early as toddlerhood.  Imagine growing up feeling disconnected somehow in a way you don't understand and can't explain.  Even in utopian circumstances--the most loving household and the most accepting of societies--this is inevitable.  Feeling different and disconnected (even if also feeling loved and accepted) is unavoidable simply by being one of a small, outnumbered percentage.  This alone--these intense and puzzling feelings at such a young age--is enough to create skewed coping habits, let alone should any type of intolerance or need for change be introduced.

Compound social anxieties and personal insecurities on top of the natural inclination to be more sensitive and emotional and it's no wonder gay men cling to self-defense mechanisms.  Even more unabashedly once they encounter other groups of gay men (having social interaction in a group where they're not a minority for the first time) and realize everyone else is the same way.

The great thing about status quo is it alleviates feeling different or disconnected.  Conversely, the struggle of status quo is there is no need, no drive to fix something that feels normal. 

This is where my umbrage with gay marriage begins.  Though, I should specify I don't find the fight ridiculous as much as disproportionate.  

A few years ago I published a manifesto on marriage equality, including how embarrassing I think it is the issue even exists, and how there is no legal backing whatsoever to be withholding marriage from same-sex couples.  Not only do I firmly believe gay marriage should be allowed, but given our legal system and our history, it shouldn't even be an issue.

Having said that, there seems to be an aura that legalizing gay marriage will bring salvation.  This is a mistake.  Marriage equality is simply a raft--or perhaps a yacht; a tsunami of like-minded individuals sweeping up surface swimmers and letting them ride a wave of strength and support for a while.  Eventually, the wave will crash, gay marriage will be federally legalized (read my manifesto if you want to know why), and then what?

Legalizing gay marriage only addresses the outside, the impersonal, the part people feel comfortable addressing.  It does not address the frightening, vulnerable inside.

When I was a child I wanted a Teddy Ruxpin for Christmas.  Teddy was the story time bear.  He was friendly, and adorable, and his mouth moved while he told you stories.  I was in awe.  Every time I saw his commercial I was filled with want.  I begged my parents.  I lobbied as much as a child knows how to lobby.  As did every other child in America that year.

I did not get a Teddy Ruxpin Christmas morning.  And, though briefly disappointed, I found a cardboard box, made a spaceship, and I was fine.  Looking back, I'm quite glad I didn't receive one because I know how quickly apathy would have set in.  Teddy would have been a momentary item as easily left on the shelf as the Hot Wheels, the rubber-band gun, or the light-up visor from a Disneyland trip.

These were items I WANTED.  Badly.  And yet, they've made no impact on my life.  They entertained me for a few hours...but did not stick with me for years.  I hardly remember them now--and certainly don't hold them dear.  You know what I do hold dear?  The music I sang.  The time I got up in front of my 5th grade class and gave a speech on why they should elect me for student council.  Enduring the worst case of testing that allergy clinic had ever seen.  Perfect scores on spelling tests.  Not things that distracted me from the pain, not things that entertained me from time passing by...  Things that tried me, tested me, pushed me, helped me achieve, and connected with me.  Things that grounded me and helped me build my relationship with myself.  This is what marriage is.

Marriage is building a relationship.  It's two people coming together to create an entity that is theirs, and theirs alone, and therefore would not exist without either one of them.  Not that legalizing gay marriage isn't flammable, it's just not the steadfast fuel this fire ultimately needs.

Light a match.  Hold it to a corner.  Burn a piece of paper.

Now, imagine trying to keep that fire alive using only sheets of paper.  Paper is derived from trees.  As are branches and logs.  All from the same creator.  All composed of the same substance.  Yet, compare the durability of braches and logs amid the flames to that of paper.  Paper will combust in seconds and be gone, logs will burn for hours.  You would have to put a new sheet of paper on the fire every 10 seconds to keep it from burning out.  How fast do you think you would run out of paper?  How soon until you were exhausted with the monotony?  Marriages need fires that will burn through the dark, fires you can walk away from and come back to, fires you can fall asleep to and rekindle in the morning.  This requires a stronger source than paper.

Even when shuffled together, it comes as no surprise that a deck of cards will cut out 3 weeks down the line.  This is not because the deck failed to ration their fuel properly  (as the article suggested), but rather problematic fuel to being with.  A deck of cards will desperately feed the fire a card every 10 seconds, because that's what it's required to do.  The only way to alter this, is to alter the deck of cards.  To recycle the cards into something stronger.  Something more fortified.  Something indivisible.

When you strengthen the individual parts, you strengthen the institution as a whole.  Think how much more sturdy a house becomes when each piece of cardboard is replaced by floorboards.  Imagine how much more withstanding a house handles when each floorboard is replaced with steal beams.  This is why the fight for gay marriage (or any marriage, regardless of orientation) begins at home.  Internal versus external.  It's not about bemoaning laws.  It's about fortifying oneself in order to be the strongest cog in the marriage infrastructure one can be.  What are you personally doing to ensure yourself as a valuable asset to marriage?  Are you proactively building yourself toward being a beneficial partner?  Or are you trying to make it through day-by-day, hoping someone will fix you with their unconditional love?

Same-Sex Marriage will legally happen nationwide someday.  It will because it should.  However, it will only fix an external portion of the problem.  Demanding healthier school lunches is fine, and goodness knows it's easier to blame the school board and less costly than planning organic, nutrient meals, but passing school lunch laws will do little to cure childhood obesity if the child is fed cakes and burgers the rest of the day.

External problem: school lunch menus; internal problem: at-home dietary choices.  External problem: lawfully recognized marriage; internal problem: insecurities which lead to shallow, erratic, flippant, unreliable, unweddable behavior.  While I think legalizing gay marriage is something that should have happened at least a decade ago (if not sooner), I also think there are bigger fish to fry.

When business owners meet with investors, the first the thing the investors want to know is what the business brings to the table.  How profitable is this company: provide a history of success.  And you, as the business owner, have to demonstrate an exemplary concept, a good business plan, clean finances, management, marketing, and all the other skills that make you a good candidate.  Investors are not interested in saving dying breeds or boarding sinking ships.  It is a waste of time and money.  They want something solid, structured: a business already independently successful on its own that will take their money and grow it.  

If you want to be a dancer, practice.  If you want to be president, run for office.  And, if you want to be married, strive to be marriable.  This is step one.  The courthouse is step two.  Yet, I fear supporters put all the emphasis on the latter and comfortably forget to address the prior.  
  

So.  Gay guys.  They're losing the ability to fall in love, but gaining the ability to get married...an ironic correlation.  By default, however, correlations cannot be equal.  And, equality is the goal. 

Equal partnership.  Equal give; equal take.  Equal communication.  Equally meeting each other's needs.  Equally connected.  Equally providing.  Equally being there, being present, being honest, being available, being reliable, being understanding, being forgiving... To me, this is equality.  This is my fight.  And, yes, I stand for equal rights too.  But, I ideate a community--a world--equally loving enough to make equal rights equally unnecessary.